o_o

Blogspot reminds me of Xanga. & I remember it used to be a craze: who could get the most subscribers, what comments we get, & if we get kudos with the comments. Lol. Good memories. Anyways. If you don't want to know how I feel or if you're gonna go assuming shit by what I say, or if you're gonna go off & get pissed off by what I say in here, or future blogs, don't read it. 'Cuz I especially don't want shit about Blogspot. Wack.

Blah. I'm tired. I slept so late last night studying for Bio test that I think I failed anyways.
& The first thing I want to say, is that I lost trust in her. I used to go to her for my problems. But how're you going to go behind my back & say shit that isn't even true? How're you going to go & tell the person what I said? Fuck that. I'm not going to go to you for my issues anymore. I can't even trust you to keep your mouth quiet. & Even if you didn't, I still doubt you 'cuz of how you used to feel.

By the way, don't go questioning shit wondering if it's you. & Don't ask me who it is unless your name is Catherine Wu or Christina Lee or Joshua Adams.

So yesterday was interesting. After school, me & Lee & Adams & Nancy were standing around talking & joking around. Then I think me & Christina pulled our "Ouu Stt" thing & he started walking away towards the front, lol. Then Josh started walking to his car & I started freaking out 'cuz I didn't think he actually drove to & from school. Hah. Me & Christina followed him down Pathfinder Hill & he tried to trick us with where his car was, since we had no idea what it looked like. But in the end, we guessed right(: even though it was like the 4th guess, hah. He almost ran jaywalking across the street 'cuz he wanted to trick us -_- wack. Then he gave us a ride to Tea Rush only if we promised to get him a drink(: He likes what I like! Aquamarine w/ Boba. Then we saw Ashton & chilled there 'till Chris came with Annie. I wasn't having the best day yesterday. I was really bitchy, & NO I'm not Pmsing. Shiit, the week that I'm super nice is the week I Pms. Lol. Then things went downhill with Chris & Annie 'cuz they thought I was being a bitch. It's just. I don't like being with Chris when Annie's there , or being with Annie when Chris is there. It's not that I have a problem with their friendship or with them hanging out together. I just feel hella left out. They talk in Viet in front of me, so when it's just the three of us I'm just sitting or standing there thinking like "Uhm." But whatever, I'll try to learn Viet one day? Well, the best part of yesterday was the Tea Rush & the 6-pack Burger thing from BK that I put my fingers all over. Hahaha, Lee & Adams ate it anyways. Ugh, then the smoking shit, parking lot drama, Lee's house, & the whatevers departure. I. Hate. Seeing. Chris. Walk. Away. Like. That. But my sister said she was going to pick me up from Lee's house & she just got off the freeway. Considering the fact that the freeway is a 2 minute drive to Lee's house, I couldn't go outside & be seen with them. Or else my cover that I was doing a dance project would've been blown. Shiit. I regretted just standing there when he walked out though.. Whatever. It's done with & over now.

Right now, I'm at the part of the relationship where either way it goes, it'd be whatevers. I mean, we've fallen harder & gotten back up stronger than ever, but Idk this time just feels different. Ugh. I know what people say, I know what I say & what I think about when I get pissed off. But I can't just let Chris go. It's like that fucking song,

"Everytime I try to leave
something keeps pulling me back, me back
telling me I need you in my life"

Gaaaahd. Like, I don't even know how to explain it. If you knew me back when I was with Siean, you knew how much I felt for him & how depressed I was when we broke up. But Chris, my feelings for Chris go 120938201398 x past what I used to feel for Siean. Idk why but it's like that. I mean, if you think about it, we've been through so much. Chris liked other people, I liked a different person, we both have HEEEELLLLLAAA flaws that bug the other, & we're so different. But we've stuck through with it this far. 2 months & 12 days, it seems like an eternity to me. Honestly, I thought this would be a whatever relationship. We'd get together, fight, break up, then move on while still staying Guhguh&Meimei. But somewhere along the way: through the fights, the time we spent 22/48 hours together that weekend, through the times Chris came, & all the memories ... I fell. I've never felt so strongly for anybody, ever. I've never cried over someone's health, only my family. I especially didn't stick through so much shit for one person. Ugh.

A part of me knows that somewhere deep down, Chris still cares. He told me that he's still in love with me, not as much as he used to be but it's still there. But Idk. If you cared.. wouldn't you be trying to fix the problems we have? Wouldn't you be on the phone with me right now instead of ignoring me on Aim? You told me yourself that you want to fix the problems, you said that we'd talk later on during the day to fix everything. But you.. don't. So Idk where to go from here.

So now I'm going to go back to my 100 questions for English, that I have yet to do, while replaying stupid love songs on Itunes, trying to figure out where I should go from here.